Quiet

I just finished filling out more stupid social security papers. This time they sent me a paper about fatigue. It just seems like the same old questions over and over again. I don't know how much more information they need about my conditions. I sure don't understand why they didn't just send all the papers together. Oh well. This is a stupid game that they make you play. Ironically, they didn't play too many games when they deducted money out of each of my paychecks through the years. I expect to be denied as I hear that is what they do to everyone the first time. I know that I have a ligit case to get it but I have no choice but to appeal when they do. I don't expect to hear anything soon anyway so I will not even go there yet. I imagine when we have been kicked out on the street and are sitting on a corner begging for food they may pay some attention. Wow, that was negative. Sorry. My husband received a paper from them today for him to call the my worker and talk about my conditions. At least they are gonna talk to someone that knows all about it.

Today is another day. What can I say? I am pretty exhausted today and was up and down all night last night. I did manage to rest some. I am still in my bathrobe. I need to take a shower but don't really have the energy to do that. I am just trying to remain in this quiet place that I have here in my bedroom with minimal pain at the moment. When I start hurting again I will get up and try the hot shower routine.

I miss working. I felt so good about myself and even though my job was stressful, I was a contributing member of society. I don't feel important anymore. The days just seem like I am waiting for something to happen. Sometimes they are blurred with attempts to get rid of pain. Sometimes they are quiet like right now...not peacful but, quiet.

Acceptance of the Unknown

I had a really bad day of pain. I feel okay right now. I have the effect of my hydrocodone on board and my elbow and wrist warm wraps on. I slept until 2am last night and back to bed about an hour later to actually sleep until 6am. I believe that is the longest that I have slept straight in awhile now. Of course, the morning pain moved on to the afternoon pain. Finally, an hour ago I had to give into hydrocodone again, knowing that I will be completely out tomorrow until my refill on Saturday. I try to move as much as I can while I have the pain relieved. I just do not want to lose muscle mass to this process. I can't help to ponder what it will be like when I am fifty or sixty.

I realize that I have not talked much about who I am or given a timeline of medical issues that bring me to this point. I will spend some time on this post with those topics and periodically through other topics. I couldn't possibly do that in one sitting because of pain issues so I will gradually include those topics in my posts.

Where do I start? Hmmm...I am over forty and a mother of an adult daughter and son. I have been married to my husband for about twenty years. My daughter is from a previous marriage and her father passed away with lung cancer after we were divorced. I am a sister, daughter, aunt, neice, granddaughter, cousin, friend, and a registered nurse. I have worked as a helper in a trophy shop with my father, as a waitress, a manager in two resturants, a dancer in a bar, a cashier in a grocery store, and of course as a nurse. In fact, I have worked at some job since I was a child working with my father in his business. The only time of my life that I have been out of work was when I was pregnant with my daughter until the fifth week postpartum and I had the pleasure of remaining at home with my son for six months. I have never been lazy. I have always been driven to do something. I may have worked in a lot of different jobs when I was younger but I always had a job. I feel my work history helped to create a very diverse registered nurse. I am a good nurse and am very proud of the care that I have provided my patients with over the years.

And now I am out of work. This is the absolute hardest transition that I believe I have ever had to make in my life. Although, I have gradually been able to work less and less over the previous three years. This year I have made 1/3 the amount of money that I made per year full-time as a nurse. I did only work up until the end of September. I just had to stop trying to do something that was destroying me further physically and emotionally. I really could not do it anymore. I decided that it was time to give in to what I had struggled to ignore for the past three years. I pushed as hard as I could push. I ignored the obvious signs of the seriousness of my illnesses and my pain. And here I am ... wondering who am I now.