Peaceful Sunday

I seem to have less pain today. I am sure it is because I was able to take all four of my hydrocodone yesterday and slept better also. I slept for two hours at a time for a total of six hours of sleep. I was quite drowsy this morning but unable to go back to sleep. This has been a nice day at home alone with my husband. We have watched football and he cooked supper for us. I enjoy spending time alone with him. I will need to go tomorrow and have the x-rays that the doctor wanted me to get when I did the MRI Friday. I didn't get those because we would have had to wait and my husband had to get to work. I also was in too much pain and wanted to get back to the truck to bend across the seat with the truck door open. That position seems to really give me relief when I need it. I spend a lot of time leaning over the kitchen counter...wow, I think I have been there about five times today. Amazing what positions you will put yourself in to get relief...seems like just a normal part of my day these days. I am wondering if I will hear anything tomorrow about the MRI. They did say that it would be a few days, so I will not hold my breath. I am just anxious to find out what my next step is and get some relief.

Counting the Pills Away

Here I sit, as darkness has fallen outside, wondering how many pain pills it may take to get rid of enough pain that I may sleep tonight. My left arm is really just killing me today...a deep dull, throb that doesn't stop. My back is the usual and my hands burn. I will not type much so I can preserve what tolerance I currently have. I have counted my pills and it looks as if I will be short two pills to make it to my refill on Saturday...and the cycle will begin again. I have an MRI with and without contrast on Friday and since that is the first one that I have had since my last back surgery, I fear what is new. What are they going to want to do to me now. What promises are they going to make? I did well in the beginning after the surgeries but this time I am not. I am not sure this body can go through that again. I fear this heaviness in my upper thighs. I know that isn't a good sign. I will try not to think about it for now and concentrate on getting myself prepared for rest tonight. I really hope that I can sleep well. I wonder if some of my problem is the knowledge that when I do sleep I will wake up in pain. I do believe that has a tiny part in my insomnia. If I actually do manage to relieve the pain well enough to rest for a few hours, I wake up to the reality of full blown pain and the stiffness. I have to slowly roll my body, listen to the cracking, and get to the bedside table where the hydrocodone is at. I really need my doctor to help me find a better way to manage this pain. This has robbed my spirit.

Snap and Pop

Oh yes, it is after three in the morning. I lay down in bed and try to sleep but it is not going to work. I had to take my hydos (a couple of them actually) to get out of the really bad pain earlier and I fell asleep for a few hours. So now I sit here hearing and feeling the snaps and pops as I move a hand or a foot. I have to say that they feel better now, somewhat anyway, as much as can be expected anyway. I just hate not being in control of a routine for sleep.

This pain is crazy. It amazes me how I have dealt with it this long. Seems like yesterday that it started but it really is all just a blur of when since it so gradually esclated to this point. I try search my memory for first clues of what forcasted this disease process. I try to figure out the different pains that I feel and label them accordingly while asking myself, "Is that the rheumatoid arthritis or the degenerative disc disease". Of course, I spend time wondering if my Bipolar disorder plays a role in the pain or of my feelings about the pain. I am just totally consumed by this process. Yeah, that's what I will call it, "This process".

So why do I spend my time consumed with trying to figure out pain and label the pain. Why does it matter that it has a label? I guess to make the doctors happy or to suffice my family with a title to what is wrong and why I have applied for social security disability benefits and why we lost our house when I could no longer work. A title to please the DEA when my doctor continues to prescribe me Hydrocodone 10/500 four times a day. Something to satisfy my own mind that I need for sanity maybe.

I've spent the past three days reading the boards on a website about chronic pain and the suffering of people all over the world. I thought it would help me some to know that I was not alone. I mean, I knew that I was not the only person suffering but it helped me put some of my thoughts and feelings into perspective and at least move out of my world for moments of time. I guess the surprising realization that I had was that there are people being stigmatized everywhere for being a person with chronic pain. I was amazed by the magnitude of this epidemic. The stories that I read over and over again pointed to thousands of people that could not get medical professionals to treat their pain appropriately. All of these poor souls left to be under treated, or untreated, and suffer in agony.

As a medical professional myself, I remember the patients that would want every pill coming to them. I heard the other nurses label patients 'med seekers' or 'drug addicts'. I actually remember thinking those labels towards patients that were mine periodically (and feeling horribly torn about it). I remember feeling frustration about a person's pain that seemed to be difficult to treat but I never withheld or refused to call a doctor and I always made sure that I remembered what I learned in nursing school, "Pain is what the patient says it is".

I know that there are so many people abusing drugs in our society but something has to be done to assure that our doctors are not afraid to treat pain. We cannot stigmatize people with chronic pain and realize that we may not actually ever see on a test result scientifically of why that person feels that pain. I find myself in fear of this new chronic pain patient role. I know the obstacles that face me. I am scared of them. I pray my surgical scars on my back suffice.