Defeat

I know I haven't added in a few days. Here I am. I have had some bad days lately. Today I visited the doctor that ordered my MRI and spine bending xrays. The results are worse than I realized. It is quite scarey. It is very depressing. I have damage even up to the T11-T12 area. In fact, there is disk protrusion there with loss of disk height. Disk height has noted loss in the L5-S1 area also. L3-L4 was noted to be mild broad based disk bulge flattens the ventral thecal sac. L4-L5 level said broad based disk bulge is present with superimposed small central protrusion, with annular tear. that impresses the midline ventral thecal sac and minimal right facet degenerative change is present with a small synovial cyst present at the right facet extending laterally. L5-S1 said broad based disk bulge with a superimposed large right eccentric protrusion resulting in a right lateral recess stenosis with mass effect of the right S1 root. The impression was Degenerative disk disease predominately at L4-L5 and L5-S1 with the greatest at L5-S1 where there apprars to be a current right eccentric disk protrusion causing a right lateral recess stenosis. My x-rays of my ankles showed spurs in ankles bilaterally.

So what did I hear from the doc about this? Well, the doc didn't bother coming in the room. The NP came in and sat down with me, started telling me that there was no easy fix to all of these problems. She said that they could maybe get rid of some of the right leg pain by draining the synovial fluid from the cyst and doing an epidural steriod injection. She stated that my two areas of height loss would require surgery to fix but that since I have arthritis those areas would probably not heal correctly or damage further. She then said she was going to ask the doctor something and that she would be right back. Another nurse came in with my paperwork saying that I would be contacted by someone about my steroid injection and synovial cyst drainage after the holidays. WHAT???? My first question to her was about if anyone was going to explain this to me before they decided to do this. She handed me a piece of paper with instructions. I asked if anyone was going to do anything about my pain. She said that my referring doc (Rheumatologist) would have to do that and that they would be sending the paperwork over to them. Out the door I went. I am angry. My increasing amounts of pain have been ignored. It isn't like they don't have proof that I have a problem. So tomorrow I will play the phone game with my Rheumatologist's office nurses who will never call back. I will probably need to come in to see someone (after a four hour wait) and pay another doc 40 dollars to 'talk' about what we need to do about this pain. This is just totally out of control. There are drug addicts walking around with nothing wrong with them and getting more pain medication.

Outside of the pain medication issue I am feeling pretty sad and defeated. I try to consider what my pain is going to be like in 3-5 years and how I would even tolerate it. Even if I am given medications strong enough to help it, do I want to walk around like that...dependent upon a chemical substance that I have to beg to get from a doctor. And my mind has to stop and wander off from that. I cannot fathom the thoughts of more pain. I am sick of pain.

I will elaborate more on the game social security is playing in my next post.